Limetree Garden: Where mysteries unfold.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Risk being Loved

You said you loved me, you said you loved me unconditionally! You said I did not accept you for who you are ! Love is about hearing what someone needs and accepting that they do not align with your needs but it is not holding on but loving them enough to let them go or building bridge that entertains both your needs.
I was not just seeking love ,  I was trying to find all the barriers I have built against Love. I do not trust love, easily! We are always testing each others love! We are in fear of real love! We are in fear of not being loved! We sometimes are enslaved by love! We use the word love, when we are in fear of losing something! We love with expectation! We taint Love! We misconstrue love! We try to control love! We think love is sex.
 My barriers to love are fairytale needs. My ego. My inability to forgive. My expectations, My fears of being hurt. My attraction to people who want there independence more than they want a relationship. My need to control what I cannot in another person. That I still look at times for someone to complete me. I give all of me away hoping that you will love me. I stood in front of you ready to break down all my barriers, with you. I know that I had love for you even if you did not want to always show me who you are. I realize when people show you who they are believe them. If they build barriers to seeing who they are do not make excuses for them to not romanticize them, and do not think you can change them. When somebody does not love you completely it is not  about you it is about them and they are not obviously right person to love you. If they do not want show all parts of themselves and show their vulnerability when you have revealed all of you, than it is likely time to let them go!

Body Blue

His body sleek and dark,
 moisture clung to his chest like rain drops on leaves after a rain.
 His eyes dark and intense watching her.
 Every inch of his body was defined by muscular curves.
 My eyes were drawn to the outline of  his body and shading of every muscle defined, it is haunting.
 I want to reach out with my finger tips and trace and caress each line as if I had drawn him myself.
 The curvature of his dark buttocks entice me they evoke love in me,
 He has the hands of an artist with his every touch.
 He explores me with his mouth, his eyes, and his touch.
 I  am  filled with desire, heat , and wetness which I believe is created from his love because I have not felt this before.
 I believe my touch is filled with love he thinks it is about sex and desire.
He sees only my desire but withholds from himself my feelings of love and passion.
He loves my wetness this is not just sex but is how my body reacts when I feel love for someone.
The wanting is not enough, the communication is not enough, the passion I show is not enough, even the times I have loved him with out judgment have never been enough. My rejection turns to anger and impatience, my ego takes over and I  respond with cold words.  I allow him to make feel not good enough and he responds with cold intensity and I push him away not because I do not love him but because he does not love me the way I need. He is scared of losing me but he never seems to hear that he has hurt me and leaves my body and soul blue.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Grateful

He told me, I should be grateful for the commitments, he made, the twice a year visits.
That when I voiced my need for something different ... than I ruined everything!
I wonder now...What were the words of love and all mixed messages?
Wait for me ,I am scared, I have been hurt, I have been rejected, a woman once told me I was not enough,  relationships do not work for me, I am 56 I do not want a relationship and really there is nothing else to talk about.
I asked for the truth over and over and obviously I did not hear you or was not able to read between the lines of your mixed messages. I now know when a man does not answer , it indeed is the answer, someone who is functioning from ego and is more interested in what he has to lose than the damage he may be causing of another.
Is this what one calls emotional manipulation or is it a fear filled ego?
I am not void of mistakes....I am only tired of fighting for future where you gave me moments of hope when actually you never planned on anything.
I needed you to make plans with me , to ask me for the things you need, and you always thought my job was more important to me. No it was the importance of commitment , no different than the commitment you find important that you make to others. The commitment you feel about your job and your appearance to others to be the best man you can be.

I know my words have hurt and challenged you...you do not like when I say your not easygoing ...you do not like to fight or things that are hard ....that may be viewed as easygoing however, I say your not  because it makes you mad and you value it just like you use the things that matter to me like, at least we have great sex, sex is one kind of love, and your lack of willingness to identify what our relationship is. I wonder if your friends would identify these responses of an easygoing man. I do not see an easygoing man as manipulative, or someone who leads someone on because he fears losing what he needs, an easygoing man does the right thing because he is always aware of doing the right thing because he likes an easy simple life, so he strives to  be righteous. 

I always felt that you were a man who wanted his life together before you committed to woman. A Partner and friend to build something with, a dreamer and a man with wandering soul and need for freedom to search for beauty in the world and need to see how the world works. I have always realized that you have a huge doubt that you can be loved completely and unconditionally. But you can only ask a person to be patient for so long when things do not work in life as they do you can not push them aside... I believe you have love and compassion for life and the beings in it. I know your on search and really trying to show up for yourself. I even know you hear things I say and file them away in your organized way. I also know you see me as critical, and ungrateful, and my judgment which is really my needs , make you feel unworthy at some level.  I know you always no their is work to be done and have a thirst for knowledge. I believe you have love as big as ocean and have desires filled with contradiction, I know you believe you are easy going but you are also stubborn and can be hurt and will hide it. Most of all you need to be alone in you search and battles, but want someone there waiting. I know you see things that move you to your core.
So perhaps you are not a bad man but so incredibly human whose ego wants to hurt someone before he gets hurt anymore, who perhaps is disappointed in my needs and impatience. So I am trying to be grateful and find my silver lining, I have realized in order to love you or anyone for that matter I have to love myself madly and deeply because love will take you on journey and that you have to find the space in togetherness  and allow yourself to find rhythm. This only happens when your honest and truly care for the other person and are not functioning from ego. You like me want to be fully seen by somebody , than, be loved anyhow... I tried to be fearless in how I feel and show all of me both and good and bad... I guess I needed the same to- understand all of you. So I will try to be grateful for this journey and embrace the silver linings.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Pretty Little Lies

There are the lies we tell ourselves when we believe somebody loves us and to only find out they  love parts of the you .
There are the lies we tell to ourselves when we believe someone will change and you believe it is fear that gets in their way.
There are the lies we believe when people play games from their ego and believe they do not cause pain, to maintain their goodness.
There are the lies that we tell ourselves out of fear, of losing.
There are the lies we tell ourselves, in that we believe that we are not wrong.
The lies come from the pain, the hurt, the distrust, and the feelings of not being enough.
The lies come from when were not heard, not accepted, from avoiding the hard things, from not listening, from anger, from fear, and ego.
Those pretty little lies will break you and the people around you.


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Love me out loud

You love me in the dark
in the quite.
In small spaces you say you love me
unconditionally.
Are you going to ever Love me out loud
and in the open?
You love me in the dark because you-- cherish me!
We love someone the way we want to be loved.
You want to be loved unconditionally quietly in the dark.
I want to love someone out loud, I want to share the love
I feel for someone , and announce it to the world.
Love is something you do not hide. it is something you need to
share.
There are moments that are sacred bond for only two.
However there is nothing so beautiful when someone
loves you enough to declare there love for you out loud.

Lisa

Sunday, January 04, 2015

Forebidden

She measured.
She blended.
She held each beautiful red lusciousness with admiration.
She rinsed each rounded fruit and delicately peeled its skin from its flesh.
She took the wet firmness in her mouth and as she sucked the flesh,it exploded.
Its juice dripping down her lips  and she slowly swallowed the juices seductively.
It was as if sweet nectar of the gods had touched her lips and the juices began to pulse through her veins.
It filled her and evoked her passion like when Eve ate the forbidden fruit.
Each bite she takes she starts to come undone.
Her lips swell with moist abandonment.
She swallows with utter ecstasy.
L

Saturday, January 03, 2015

Is it too Late to know...

My green eyes hold my abandonment!
They reveal all that I have lost.
Do you not see it?
Do you not feel it?
Do you not hear it?
Do you not sense it in the way I touch you?
Do you not smell it my breath in the words I breath out to you?

Do you not see me, do you not hear me?
Do you think my words have no meaning?

Do you care that you revel in causing me pain?

Did you know that I ever loved you?

Do you wonder now how I feel about you?

L


Love the sacred soul

Love me like it is the first time.
Do not fear my intensity and desire.
Be open, hold me with intention and never let me go.
Do not let your fears conquer you and reject me!
Be bold, be honest, and do not waste another moment.
Do not make promises unless you plan to live them out loud.

Show me everyday you love me .
Never take me for granted.
Care for me.
The door will open again.
I will be free to love in the purest form.
Do not test my purity and desire to love.
Do not forget that I loved you.
Do not forget I need to feel safe,
I need to trust.

Hold steady and strong
be my hero!
Hold me in your sacred hands.
Meet me and invite me in.

L

Surrrender

I finally can breath!
I no longer have expectations.
I am no longer disappointed.
I know longer feel controlled by someone else.
I have reclaimed my power.
I will always love you, even with
all the fear and disappointment.
We do not embrace chances in fear.
We stay stuck in pain!

I choose to be open!
I choose an unwavering love.
A love that is open and not afraid.
A life that says yes.
A Path that is flexible.
I choose to trust.
To follow my intuition.
Fear no longer serves me I surrender.

Unwritten Endings

 Love lost is like a book never written ,
like chapters started and not yet finished.

Filled with phrases of love mislead and not yet forgiven.
Promises betrayed and hope taken.

Longing paragraphs filled with passion and wonder,
 hopes collapsing into deep desire.

Coupled with fear and words shallow with no meaning.
Hollowed hopes and misgivings.

Excuses and unanswered questions; commitment
abandoned with no shared meaning.

Plagued with heart filled anger. Mislead and unjust
the heart frays with disgust.

Tears...filled with rejection and mind building a wall filled
with jealously. Angry words filled with contempt replace
the joy once spent.

Empty days and nights not knowing , waiting for you was like
an unsolved mystery.

Wordsmith of excuses we dissolve into the ending.

L


Friday, January 02, 2015

Reflections of Time and Betrayal

I have wasted day and nights waiting for you.  I have wasted nights and days trying to understand you. I have wasted years trying figure you out thinking you might finally choose me over fear. I thought if gave up my fear you would surrender yours. I can admit I was wrong to have faith in someone who does not want anyone to know them I know, because I have parts just like that. I hoped I would be enough and hoped god would send me someone who would teach me how to trust, instead I got someone who challenged me at every step to distrust.  You told me you were one of the good guys , you would never hurt me , but you almost broke me ..cause you would never let me in. I should of believed you when you told me who you were, but I seen something else. It is hard to forgive someone who chooses fear over love. I almost lost all of me to fear my own and yours. I might of died if I had not chose to love me.

I do not understand a person who wants all the benefits of relationship and commitment and does not have the capability to do so himself. How can say you love someone when you do not want to make room for them. It is sad to come to a point where you feel nothing and choose that instead of the confusion! Year after year you asked me to wait... I asked for what..you were incapable of  sharing any light or offering any degree of hope! I realize you are a match to all my empty places and reflect all my broken places. May be that is why I chose to be swallowed by the reflection and let myself bleed for so long in rejection. I closed myself up begging you, and betraying me. It is not good life to be always waiting , wondering, and feeling disappointed. You want to  finally share life... not be stuck on stand by...like a lady in waiting.

You reflected to me in actions that I was not enough, not important, and insignifigant. That likely was not your intention, but your fears changed how I felt about myself. Maybe I am na├»ve but I thought love was place to feel safe, where you want to stay not runaway. I never hid what I wanted, or needed. I thought LOVE was the ability to put your needs and fears aside and embrace the soul of another with tenderness and integrity. I know now are intentions are likely not the same...I do not want to stay stuck in fear  of being broken and waiting and miss someone who loves me. I do not want to be disappointed with excuses based on fears. Passion and feeling safe, can not exist without the other. I want to choose openness I want to embrace what life has to offer me. I want my reflection to be one of openness, not of fear.  I hope than life will reflect a love that is ready to be pure.
L

Letting go

All year I have tried to let go, to not care, and  to become void.
You said we had fun and yet you have heard my hurt.
Do we remember only the good...and not all the hard?
When we are hurt we play games, but for once I was going to trust and take a chance ! I was going to let you in my heart. I do not understand a man who plays with woman's heart. Bob Marley said the biggest coward of a man is to awaken the Love of woman without the intention of loving her. Love is not sex... sex is something that can make things deeper if it is not just an act of pleasure. If this  is your fear than your fear won. If this was to challenge my trust in you, you did and it won. Love is thought to be unconditional but only if you do choose to love purely and share who you are.
If you want someone back you do not go back to the act and the desire you go back to the love. Some men think sex is the Love, to be desired and wanted is the expression of love however it is the amazement when you think of that person and can not imagine being without them.
L