Grateful

He told me, I should be grateful for the commitments, he made, the twice a year visits.
That when I voiced my need for something different ... than I ruined everything!
I wonder now...What were the words of love and all mixed messages?
Wait for me ,I am scared, I have been hurt, I have been rejected, a woman once told me I was not enough,  relationships do not work for me, I am 56 I do not want a relationship and really there is nothing else to talk about.
I asked for the truth over and over and obviously I did not hear you or was not able to read between the lines of your mixed messages. I now know when a man does not answer , it indeed is the answer, someone who is functioning from ego and is more interested in what he has to lose than the damage he may be causing of another.
Is this what one calls emotional manipulation or is it a fear filled ego?
I am not void of mistakes....I am only tired of fighting for future where you gave me moments of hope when actually you never planned on anything.
I needed you to make plans with me , to ask me for the things you need, and you always thought my job was more important to me. No it was the importance of commitment , no different than the commitment you find important that you make to others. The commitment you feel about your job and your appearance to others to be the best man you can be.

I know my words have hurt and challenged you...you do not like when I say your not easygoing ...you do not like to fight or things that are hard ....that may be viewed as easygoing however, I say your not  because it makes you mad and you value it just like you use the things that matter to me like, at least we have great sex, sex is one kind of love, and your lack of willingness to identify what our relationship is. I wonder if your friends would identify these responses of an easygoing man. I do not see an easygoing man as manipulative, or someone who leads someone on because he fears losing what he needs, an easygoing man does the right thing because he is always aware of doing the right thing because he likes an easy simple life, so he strives to  be righteous. 

I always felt that you were a man who wanted his life together before you committed to woman. A Partner and friend to build something with, a dreamer and a man with wandering soul and need for freedom to search for beauty in the world and need to see how the world works. I have always realized that you have a huge doubt that you can be loved completely and unconditionally. But you can only ask a person to be patient for so long when things do not work in life as they do you can not push them aside... I believe you have love and compassion for life and the beings in it. I know your on search and really trying to show up for yourself. I even know you hear things I say and file them away in your organized way. I also know you see me as critical, and ungrateful, and my judgment which is really my needs , make you feel unworthy at some level.  I know you always no their is work to be done and have a thirst for knowledge. I believe you have love as big as ocean and have desires filled with contradiction, I know you believe you are easy going but you are also stubborn and can be hurt and will hide it. Most of all you need to be alone in you search and battles, but want someone there waiting. I know you see things that move you to your core.
So perhaps you are not a bad man but so incredibly human whose ego wants to hurt someone before he gets hurt anymore, who perhaps is disappointed in my needs and impatience. So I am trying to be grateful and find my silver lining, I have realized in order to love you or anyone for that matter I have to love myself madly and deeply because love will take you on journey and that you have to find the space in togetherness  and allow yourself to find rhythm. This only happens when your honest and truly care for the other person and are not functioning from ego. You like me want to be fully seen by somebody , than, be loved anyhow... I tried to be fearless in how I feel and show all of me both and good and bad... I guess I needed the same to- understand all of you. So I will try to be grateful for this journey and embrace the silver linings.

Pretty Little Lies

There are the lies we tell ourselves when we believe somebody loves us and to only find out they  love parts of the you .
There are the lies we tell to ourselves when we believe someone will change and you believe it is fear that gets in their way.
There are the lies we believe when people play games from their ego and believe they do not cause pain, to maintain their goodness.
There are the lies that we tell ourselves out of fear, of losing.
There are the lies we tell ourselves, in that we believe that we are not wrong.
The lies come from the pain, the hurt, the distrust, and the feelings of not being enough.
The lies come from when were not heard, not accepted, from avoiding the hard things, from not listening, from anger, from fear, and ego.
Those pretty little lies will break you and the people around you.